Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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