saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
