Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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