His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
