He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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