My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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