Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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