I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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