i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
