Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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