dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
