I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
