I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
