woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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