you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
