May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
