I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
