I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
