Cold hands, warm shart.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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