fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just had sex on a roof
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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