You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
