grandma shit on top of the toilet
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
