Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
