Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
