I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
