dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
