Swine flu. Run for my life!
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
