I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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