awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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