I just pynch a tree in the face
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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