the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
