U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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