The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
