It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
