What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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