mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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