It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
