they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
3pm strippers are depressing
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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