At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
