dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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