my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
