drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Your penis caused this!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
