I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
