her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
