Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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