I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
