can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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