how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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