There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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