I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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