I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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