ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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