who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
