Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
