I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
