he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
