it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
