some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
