she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize