her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
