I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
