I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
you made out with another girl for some wings
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
