Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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