Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
