Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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