i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
