I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
